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Wednesday
Apr272011

Budweiser, Condoms and Cigarettes, Oh My!

While walking near work in Minneapolis, I encountered the following items in the following order.  They tell a story...

 

First, I came upon an empty twelve-pack of Budweiser, "The King of Beers."  In reality, I understand that Budweiser is actually "The Ford Taurus of Beers."  By this I mean that it is widespread, readily available, thoroughly unimpressive, and what you buy when you're simply settling for something to get the job done in the most pedestrian manner possible.  Whoever drank this did it in a rapid, no-nonsense, workmanlike manner.  And it worked, because twenty feet later I found this...

 

Yep.  Durex "Bare" condoms...when Trojans are just too extravagant.  We have The Ford Taurus of Beers and the Stephen Baldwin of Condoms.  This litter is the by-product of the romantic atmosphere that can only be created by a night in Uptown, a twelve-pack of Bud, and the warm, sensual glow from the Super America.  Not only that, but notice that whoever was using these was thoughtful and sensitive enough to spit out their chewing gum.  That's the type of love Teddy Pendergrass would sing about.  And apparently it all worked out, because this was just a few feet away...

 

His and hers cigarettes.  Good night, Uptown.  Stay classy.

Sunday
Apr242011

When Stock Photos Go Wrong Pt. 3: The Final Conflict

I promise this is the final installment of this series.  I just felt there were still some unanswered questions.  If you haven't seen them, you can check out When Stock Photos Go Wrong and When Stock Photos Go Wrong Pt. 2 in order to get up to speed on what these abominations are. 

 

"Our planned community will be entirely populated by families assembeld from kits sold by Ikea."

Yes, when they're not modeling for the cover shots of Baby Bjorn boxes, these poreless, alabaster automatons will be a constant reminder of your shortcomings.  

 

 

"Every day when you awaken, you will be paid a tribute of eight gingerbread men whose genitals have been frosted by local prom queens."

Because that's the American dream!

 

 

 "Construction would be finished already, but we hired this guy, and it's obvious he's never used his tools even once."

Look at him.  Everything he's wearing is brand new.  For some reason, he put his tools in his tool belt handles down, so when he needs them, he's going to pull them out by the wrong end.  He has two adjustable crescent wrenches, which is ironic because the adjustable crescent wrench was designed so you wouldn't have to carry a multitude of non-adjustable wrenches--much less two different adjustable ones.  He is carrying a tape measure over his crotch.  And on top of all this, he only owns a four-step step ladder, and the top one is not a step.  This guy is single-handedly responsible for every single construction delay in North America.  He is actually a less realistic representation of a contractor than Handy Manny.

Thus ends our exploration of Calhoun Square's horrible stock photos.  I actually had aseveral more, but I fear this series may be over-staying its welcome.  I hope you have enjoyed it while it has lasted.